"So much on my mind, I just can't recline / Blastin' holes in the night 'til she bled sunshine"

These have been the most trying few days of my life.

I believe I may be having a nervous breakdown, all while desperately trying to keep it all together.

My mom has been in the hospital for almost a week. She was admitted for asthma - she was discharged a month ago for the exact same issue, and never fully recovered. Her shortness of breath drove me to take her back last Tuesday. Coincidentally, the first day of my 'vacation'. 

Since she's gone back, she has become increasingly depressed and extremely emotional. Citing issues with her family back home, her parents, and remembering her past life..

It's taking a huge toll on me.

I also have to try and deal with my dad at home. This is a much more manageable issue, a non-issue actually, but I feel the obligation to make sure he's taken care of and this whole ordeal is not taking a toll on him.

My parents relationship has become very turmoiled as well. He's sick and tired of her constant negativity and way of dealing with things. She has a very bad habit of needing to be in-charge. She want's to control every aspect of her surroundings. She's constantly scrutinizing and ordering what one should wear, what one should cook and eat, how one should clean, when one should do certain things, when it should be done, where why what how, everything. I feel that this leaves him powerless to an extent. He has this 'enough is enough' attitude, as of late and does not feel inclined to want to visit her or deal with her world at the present moment. He still does. He just doesn't have the patience to tolerate her in this state and is easily agitated  which makes juggling the whole situation a little more difficult than it already is.

It also just so happened to be the wedding week of a very close friend. 

I don't like to share my problems with anyone normally, so I would never want to take away from his special time with any of my issues. This has proven to be tough having to still participate in the wedding party duties, and 'celebrate', when there's so much chaos happening in my own life.

The stress of all of the above, is also coupled with the stress of turning 30.

Turning 30 and not having accomplished anything except for a mountain of debt to date. This has caused me to officially break down mentally. 

I'm a wreck and these past few days have been the hardest of all time for me to deal with. By far, the darkest and most difficult days of my existence.

I'm still managing to put on a decent front - although people have noticed my subdued attitude a bit.

They don't however have any clue that it's caused by everything that I've mentioned.

Layers, upon layers, upon layers.

I hope things get better.

I really really really really really really hope things get better really soon.

Although I know it can always be worse, it just feels like I can't catch a break.

Happy birthday.