falling.

i don't know if the effect gets stronger with age.

maybe it's the fact that nothing is getting better, but this blanket of depression is overwhelming lately.

yes, there are moments throughout the day when i'm busy with work and it's not front and centre in my mind, but all other times it's consuming me.

i feel like screaming at times. but that wouldn't help.

i feel like bawling, but i can't. i want to, but i just can't.

it's everything.

it's the fact that i'm getting older.

it's the fact that i feel like i haven't progressed and i'm not where i wanted to be by now.

work isn't fulfilling. not completely. i'm not making as much as i'd like to be, but i work hard.

i'm also somewhat heartbroken. again.

she didn't give any real reason as to why things ended.

and i don't know what to do.

should i keep trying? should i let it be?

how did i fall for her like that so quickly? so hard.

it doesn't make sense to me. i should know better.

i mean, i do know better.

so how did it happen then?

even now, there are moments when i can remind myself that she's not even worth it. i can't be with someone like that long term. but i really do wish it lasted a bit longer.

it was really good while it was.

financially, it's never been so bad.

ever.

overdraft.

condo's in jeopardy.

no relief in sight.

i don't know what's going to happen.

i can't foresee a solution.

i feel like my life's about to overflow.

something's about to explode.

The Honeymoon, it's over. (unfinished)

With the flick of a switch, the blink of an eye.. the popping of a pill, Cinderella's carriage and enchanted surroundings disappeared.

I didn't think it would happen so soon, or quite they way that it did, but I believe that Thursday night signified the beginning of the end.

A big part of me wishes that I had gone with the flow. Perhaps dabbled a bit myself. Perhaps just let it be and accepted the environment I was in and the people I was with. To a large extent, I did. But a part of me felt disingenuous to who I am by doing so. I was trying to fit in and be someone I'm not and that was what rubbed me the wrong way more than anything.

I'm not a judgmental person. To each their own, because what you eat don't make me shit. But when our worlds collide and I have to conform in ways that I don't believe to be true to my character and beliefs, I have a problem with that.

The drugs didn't bother me. A part of me wanted to try as well, but I was scared of how I would react. I didn't want to appear vulnerable or inferior in front of all of these people that I didn't know. I didn't know how my mind would react. The fact that they were partaking didn't bother me. What bothered me were the snake eyes. The way some of these people were behaving made me skeptical of their intentions and the type of people they were. Mind you, not all of them were evil. There were a few that were actually enjoyable and somewhat genuine. But others I could not trust. Others I didn't want to be around, because I would never be like them.