"Don't take your love to town."

Hey Ruby,

I figured this would be the best way to give some more context - didn't think a text was appropriate and I wasn't sure how good a phone call would be at this point.

I also feel like I'm not as articulate and good at explaining things verbally at times over writing down my thoughts.

I'll start by explaining my work a little more, because I feel like it's not really comparable to a typical profession.

Although it's not 'my life', it's become the biggest thing in my life over the past few years, and in order to become successful at what I do, I've had to take things really seriously. That has meant being devoted to projects - whether it entails early mornings, late nights, being accessible when I'm not in the office, working weekends - whatever it takes. Some of it is ambition - dedication to the company and client, and some of it is playing the political game to make a name for myself.

Right now we're finalizing what's going to be the biggest campaign of the year. A lot is on the line for our agency as well as the client, and the past two weeks have meant all hands on deck. Having the video we're working on not be at 100% at this stage in the game has meant figuring out what we're going to move around and how we're going to sort things out in order to find a solution that's going to work for and please everybody.

There's a also a lot on the line because we're coming off a banner year that really set the bar for what we're capable of doing - it put our company on the map in terms of Canadian ad agencies and it made our client look brilliant for going through with a campaign that got amazing reviews from critics and helped them achieve record breaking sales.

I know you said you think marketing is evil, and I can respect your take on it - but it's a huge part of my life. This is what I do for a living and I believe what we do is effective, I think it's creative, and I think it really is interesting figuring out what makes people tick, how people are influenced and persuaded, and how the economy works. I'm not saying it's noble or righteous, and we're not saving lives by doing what we do. But I love it. And I'm proud of the work we do.

I spent the afternoon and evening with our core team last night, first coming up with options for a plan b, then convincing the client that we have a viable back-up, and then putting things in place so when we go in tomorrow we can alter our path and get things moving in the right direction again.

You don't owe me anything. You barely even know me and already have certain reservations about this whole thing. I get it.

But call me weird, call me optimistic, call me delusional.. I've felt a different vibe about this from jump.

There was something very honest about you not wanting to continue things that made me reflect upon myself, and my situation. It was unexpected when you messaged back the next day that made me think about why you would reconsider. Talking to you for half an hour that night and understanding a little bit about who you are and what you want, and getting a chance to shed some light on who I am left me very intrigued.

What I'm tying to say is that you have no obligation to even write me back, but it's not every day that you come across someone new in your life that you actually want to put some effort into getting to know. (..Granted, that effort wasn't all there yesterday - I get it :)

I'd love a second chance.

Let me know if you think I'm worth one.

falling.

i don't know if the effect gets stronger with age.

maybe it's the fact that nothing is getting better, but this blanket of depression is overwhelming lately.

yes, there are moments throughout the day when i'm busy with work and it's not front and centre in my mind, but all other times it's consuming me.

i feel like screaming at times. but that wouldn't help.

i feel like bawling, but i can't. i want to, but i just can't.

it's everything.

it's the fact that i'm getting older.

it's the fact that i feel like i haven't progressed and i'm not where i wanted to be by now.

work isn't fulfilling. not completely. i'm not making as much as i'd like to be, but i work hard.

i'm also somewhat heartbroken. again.

she didn't give any real reason as to why things ended.

and i don't know what to do.

should i keep trying? should i let it be?

how did i fall for her like that so quickly? so hard.

it doesn't make sense to me. i should know better.

i mean, i do know better.

so how did it happen then?

even now, there are moments when i can remind myself that she's not even worth it. i can't be with someone like that long term. but i really do wish it lasted a bit longer.

it was really good while it was.

financially, it's never been so bad.

ever.

overdraft.

condo's in jeopardy.

no relief in sight.

i don't know what's going to happen.

i can't foresee a solution.

i feel like my life's about to overflow.

something's about to explode.

The Honeymoon, it's over. (unfinished)

With the flick of a switch, the blink of an eye.. the popping of a pill, Cinderella's carriage and enchanted surroundings disappeared.

I didn't think it would happen so soon, or quite they way that it did, but I believe that Thursday night signified the beginning of the end.

A big part of me wishes that I had gone with the flow. Perhaps dabbled a bit myself. Perhaps just let it be and accepted the environment I was in and the people I was with. To a large extent, I did. But a part of me felt disingenuous to who I am by doing so. I was trying to fit in and be someone I'm not and that was what rubbed me the wrong way more than anything.

I'm not a judgmental person. To each their own, because what you eat don't make me shit. But when our worlds collide and I have to conform in ways that I don't believe to be true to my character and beliefs, I have a problem with that.

The drugs didn't bother me. A part of me wanted to try as well, but I was scared of how I would react. I didn't want to appear vulnerable or inferior in front of all of these people that I didn't know. I didn't know how my mind would react. The fact that they were partaking didn't bother me. What bothered me were the snake eyes. The way some of these people were behaving made me skeptical of their intentions and the type of people they were. Mind you, not all of them were evil. There were a few that were actually enjoyable and somewhat genuine. But others I could not trust. Others I didn't want to be around, because I would never be like them.