Happy

Over the past few days I’ve had an influx of responses from complete strangers. The responses have been to a carefully articulated ‘blueprint’ message that I’ve copied, pasted and slightly altered for each recipient. There’s no real explanation as to why the value of my commodity has gone up suddenly, but it would be rather juvenile to think that this is random or without cause. Seeing as I’ve been using this dating site for over a year, I never really pursued a full-on offensive, until now.

I would typically scour the site looking for ‘perfection’ and if I found a profile I liked, I would send, what I thought to be an appropriate message. Up until a little while ago, I had only ever received one response – most likely due to my highly selective praying tactics. The only real change, and quite possibly a game-changing one at that, has been that I’ve been spreading my seed around more diversely. My approach this time around has been to expand my list of ‘worthy recipients’, while still maintaining a standard based on their profile – picture and description in equal measure (perhaps a heavier emphasis on the picture..)

The response has been astonishing. Well, it’s been surprising to say the least. The surprising part is that there were actual responses! Some of which seem to be promising in the sense that I think I can muster up a date from them, and that’s all you can really ask for at this point right?

This astronomical shift in my opinion is due to timing. The end of one year and the beginning of another. The magic of the holidays, mixed with the sense of loneliness for those that don’t have significant others to share it with – all of that plays a major part in dating and even simpler than that, finding someone you would consider dating. I was discussing with a friend about how Mother Nature seems to work her wonders in interesting ways – there was a period of time a few years ago where it seemed like everyone we knew was breaking up. Followed by another period where it felt as though everyone was finding love. The universe feeds off of that sort of energy, and often times a dynamic shift is caused by a snowball affect initiated by a small few. Before you know it, you have a movement.

I’ve come to realize that my ‘problem’ is that I’m a hopeless romantic. As much as I’m attempting to apply a mental, physical and spiritual shift in my being to help me achieve a higher fulfillment of myself, the core of me still yearns for love. I genuinely want to hold her warm, delicate body in my arms. I want to run my hands through her silky aromatic hair. I want to glide my finger around her face and let it rest atop her lips. I want to lean in, feel her breath on my lips, close my eyes and kiss her as if the entire universe were made for us in that moment. I want this faceless beauty by my side to compliment and add to my energy, so that we create our energy.

I don’t know if that’s a far out delusional thought that can only be acted out perfectly within the theatre of my mind and within the words I spew out onto paper; but at this point in time I still have what’s left of my drive to pursue it.

Maybe I’ll look back on this 20 years from now and wonder how at 27, I could STILL be so naive with my thinking. Seeing as I’ve gone through heartbreak. Seeing as I have doubts about ever finding another woman I could love as purely as I once did. But I hold on to this hope now that I didn’t realize I still had. The past two years have been the toughest and most exhausting times I’ve ever gone through. The mental anguish drove me to places I never wanted to be, and at times turned me into a person that I hated. A sad, lowly negative sap – a has been.

The hardest part about it was doing it alone. No one understood, as much or as little as they tried to. No one understood but me – and even that was a stretch to wrap my head around at times.

Even though I realize that I’m not ‘cured’ and that there is still a long road ahead to recovery, the fact that I have this glimmer of hope, this belief that I will love and be loved and share happiness once again, proves to me that my soul isn’t lost. That deep down in the tiniest, deepest pores of my existence, I am still that romantic, caring, loving, genuine individual I once prided myself on being.

And today, that makes me happy.